Awkward Feeling

Lately i had been feeling down and disappointed with my situation. I could'nt hardly say what Im really feeling inside towards my husband. Because Im scared of him. I could'nt directly be true to him and to myself of what i really wanna say. Whenever I ask him about getting me a visa to japan he will immediately reject me. When I want to tackle an issue with regards to acquiring my japan visa, he wont allow me to get one. Im so confused and i dont really understand why he is being like this to me. It is as if I dont deserved it. Or maybe i am missing an important details about his being defensive towards it. On why he kept me distance and isolated from his life back in Japan. He always say that its not needed, that were not going to japan anytime soon, or we dont have enough money to travel. He make a lot of reason and excuses which for me are so shallow.. I feel disrespected for until now he didn't even once make a move or make plan to make me meet his parents in Japan. Eventhough his parents are not really well. I feel hopeless and sometimes devastated of this situation. I can only speak this to myself because my voice is not always being heard. He only listens to himself and not really sensitive to my feelings. Its weird to feel that he seemed stranged and too difficult to understand. Its so unfair for me and my children to be disregarded of what we really deserved. I only want to meet his parents and greet them.. Get to know the family of my husband, go to the place where he grew up and meet his siblings.. Why is it so difficult? Why is he giving me this mental torture and emotional abuse? This isn't proper, I dont deserved his negligence towards how and what i feel. Im his wife and the mother of his children. Im afraid that when the time comes i will not be able to meet my parents in-law face to face and alive. I dont want to go there to just attend a funeral... It really saddened me to see him so cold hearted. I dont have peace of mind. It unhealthy and im unhappy. I hope one day he wont regret being unfair to me. I hope he'd be more open to me without ending into arguments. I just want to feel whole.. He owe me a lot of things.. his history of cheating, of losing our wedding ring, of not giving me a proper wedding ceremony, of not giving me credit to acquired japan visa and many other things, inspite of me giving him my whole life and continue supporting him. for being his backbone during those hardtimes. Im feeling unappreciated.. Hope someday he'd find it in his heart my pure love is always here for him. 

Life is short, so make the most of it and live a meaningful one.

Yesterday, I heard of the sad news from a close friend that his wife passed away, we were like siblings during our college years. I am mourning deep within for the lost of a loved-one. His wife suffered from cancer and upon this sickness she was also pregnant during this period. Its a heavy burden for her, but she kept strong until she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Too late for them to realized and noticed the disease. Its a traitor disease.. very deadly and agonizing. Since hearing the news that she had been diagnosed with cancer that is really at the advanced stage they felt that they've been hit by a badluck. Stage 4 cancer is tough and it can hardly get recover. But in rare cases through chemotheraphy there is a chance of recovering if its still at the early stage but stage 4 and 5 is so unlikely to be cured. During her chemo treatment her health rapidly go down and I can barely recognized her physical appearance. A once bubbly woman had become so slim and unlively. It breaks my heart seeing her suffer and I sympathized for my friends, they were together for almost 18 yrs and they had blessed with three wonderful kids.  Its a heartbreaking scene to see and be into. But they fight a good fight because they had a new baby, its really ironic. You cant distinguished the good and bad out of this situation. You will probably think that it's better to keep healthy body and live longer to take care and be with your family than bringing another child that will manifest the sickness within you. But a mother's love grow from within that keeping the child is much important because it is a life you are bringing, despite the chance that you might lose your own life. The one that would suffer in the end are the one's who are left behind. I symphatized for the father who had lost the mother of his children because from here and forward he will be the one to carry through the heavy baggage on his shoulder. Alone to make it through each day to survived in this world. I can imagine how hard it will be to carry on. A heavy heart, a worried mind and empty feelings all this at once is nothing but pain. It may take a lot of time to heal from it, but we must not lose track of our own life, of the one's that are living and we are held responsible. 

Because of this situation that I witness, I realized that life is really short and its unpredictable. Anything can happen at anytime and at any place. So we need to be prepared for the people who will be left behind when our time has come. Everything in this world doesn't last forever. We will all be history. Even this world that we are living will perished in time. So lets make the most of our remaining time, lets not worry too much and stressed ourselves too much it can only trigger a sickness in our body, live in a mindful manner and always feel grateful everyday that you are alive and you have another day to live. Enjoy and do things that will make you happy, don't hold back on your own happiness as long as your being responsible of the things and for the  people that matters to you. Travel as much as you can and embraced the world. Live a meaningful life, LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE. Life is too short to waste on time you have with your worries, anger, bitterness, loneliness and sadness. Stop fighting each other, instead appreciate each other. We are here for a purpose and that purpose is to love one another not to fight and kill each other. Wouldn't it be great if we are all living in peace and harmony. Every family can celebrate the daily walks of life and continue living life with love in their hearts. 

Before I end this topic, I want to share my own wishes before I die. If ever I'd be the first one to leave, I hope that my partner in life would feel in peace and continue the journey that we started in our family. I know that he is a responsible father. So im in peace and will give him my blessing to pursue his happiness. Continue what he loves to do and take good care of our children's future. I trust his decisions when it comes to our children's welfare. I want him to stay beside with our children when Im gone. Be their life teacher and advisor. And I want my children to listen and follow him. I also wish that we can unite with his parents and introduced them to our family. It is important for me, it will bring me more respect towards him and look-up to him as the gentleman of the house. I wish that I can travel to Egypt.. Last but not the least, I want my remains to be cremated and kept by my children in a jar inside their home. So that my spirit will stay with them. I will be your guidance forever in your hearts. Offer me a prayer everyday or write me a letter on your diary, I will surely read those. Finally, I can watch over you from heaven. So do all your best to live a good life. Never hurt anyone specially each other. Always be there for each other. Follow your dreams and aspirations. Reached all your goals. Everytime you do I will be clapping and smiling with your achievements. Always remember, If there's a will, there's a way. Never give up until the end. We will be together again.