I can say that its a roller coaster ride and I believed that everything happened for a reason. At every turn of difficult moment in our life all I have is God's guidance and mercy, although sometimes I'm lacking trust in His plans for me and my family.
Although we are striving really hard to make ends meet it seems too impossible to move forward without worrying everytime the dues are approaching and we are still empty handed. It began last year in the month of December 2025, we started missing paying our dues and maybe until the next 4 months I guess we cannot cope up with the payment until I get my summer bonus from work. Yes, we need more patience in this for the sake of our children...
Despite working so hard its still not enough, too much responsibility specially on my side because i have to send money to my parents in Philippines and my salary is not even enough to such obligation, it is my fault though for taking the responsibility and pushing my self harder to fulfill it. I feel ashamed because my husband works harder consuming his health, mentality, work abused from his boss and although his work right now needs physical strength and stamina, he also needs endurance in all aspect. His line of work now is very far from his former work on desk and computers. Now he holds tool for constructions in buildings. It is new to him and its like learning again from the scratch he learned to manage his own patience and being with a new group of people with dirty mouth. And the pay is not as much as he can get if he works on his own field in the engineering and R and D, doing some trouble shooting on the software or managing a project in technical industry. Sometimes I feel desperate that he cant share his talent and skills on his master field. I wish for him to find his heart desire to work again in engineering who knows he can still make new inventions I trust in his intellect on that field. But he refuses to work again like his former work in Malaysia. Its also one of the reason why were lacking in financial aspect our low salary here in Japan even if I double work its still not enough. I missed our lifestyle in Malaysia it was rich and we have time to relax, travel and most of all family time. But there is no perfect event here in our world everything has a cost when you want something you always have to exchange for something too.
Because of our difficulty in surviving the monthly expenses, we started getting more loans from loan companies and it is accumulating more interest but we dont have any other choices. I also had to borrow money from friends whom i can always rely on even from my manager who trusted me much I am truly indebt and grateful for the help they gave me in crucial moments. I had hope to be rich so I could also help others who is having difficulties too like me right now. If only given the opportunity to be blessed with lots of money I can do what God would want me to do through my heart. Its just my wishful thinking and I dont know how it can be fulfilled.
When I looked back in the moment before coming here in Japan, I had thought that it will be better for us to raised our children here and that life could be more peaceful. Peaceful in a sense that my husband will be away from the whore who almost broke my family, I need peace of mind and calm my raging heart from anger. I can still recall the moment of nightmare in my life all of his promises when he proposed me a marriage when he promised that he will never hurt me again break me into pieces whenever i remember the scene and his infidelity the wound in my heart starts reopening which Im trying to forget I believed that time heals all wound but this wound is so much deeper that maybe it will take a lifetime to forget or maybe when i start to loose my memory because of getting old. I wish that it can all be erased from my memory.
So moving here in Japan is one way for me to heal and I can fulfill my secret mission to make him reconcile with his parents and his two other children whom he left during his divorced with his Japanese wife. I dont know the reason of their broken marriage but Im sure that its not because of me. I wasn't in his life before it happened.
My mission was accomplished when we moved in at his parents house he reconciled with his mother yet its sad that his father passed away before we arrived here in Japan. Im thankful that my mother-in-law is supportive of me. Next, just last December 14, 2025 when i finally meet his first born son together with his wife and daughter for a family lunch with our family too a simple get together it makes me feel fulfilled another mission accomplished. All I want is for my husband to heal himself from his past and forgive himself for his mistakes that he learn from his old self and try to be better with our family. And the most important mission is draw him closer to God in a Christ-like attitude. There is still more on my list of missions but i guess we need to take it one at a time.
Yet, my only regret now is having a hot headed husband. Lately I dont feel like sharing a bed with him. I rather sleep alone with my soft blanket. He had changed a lot from 10 years ago. I always feel like Im being manipulated and that I dont have my freedom of expression. Every time he starts yelling my Love for him depreciate its decreasing every moment he speaks to me without respect and I feel like a fool for not fighting back and expressing my true feelings. He always think that he is right and Im always wrong in making decisions even with petty things. Well maybe he is right that i make wrong decisions so it means that Im wrong in deciding to choose him too, But I know I have to endure as much as I can because this is the path I chose. Maybe it is my Fate and I have to learn something from it. Everyday I still choose to love him but sometimes when Im really mad and sad because of his behavior I think of running away not saying anything I just want to disappear and be gone whether I die or live elsewhere alone leaving without a trace from everyone in my life. I want to have a new life whenever I feel discouraged and unsecured in my marriage. We dont know what the future holds but at present moment we can choose who we want to be. I will encourage myself to stay stronger than before trust in God because I know He will never forsake me and He will wrapped me around His arms whenever life get hard or when I get confused of my existence. I will find the meaning of my life through His guidance and protection.
I trust Your plans in my life Lord in Jesus name. Amen.
