Doubts on Love itself

I've been thinking and being bothered by my feelings towards my husband. I sometimes feel uneasy when i asked myself if my husband really and truly honestly love me. Maybe it is my intuition as a woman that he is somehow keeping secrets behind my back. Like infedility.. It started when i wasn't able to access his accounts on social sites, like before he is open to me and he give me his passwords for me to feel easy and find my peace maybe. But now im in doubt coz he's trying to be that secretive to me lately. He wouldn't share his passwords to me anymore. For me it is my sense of security. I would feel secure if i had knowledge about his extra activities. Its not that i dont trust him more. For me its a form of confirmation that what he said he is doing is true and as is as what he says to me. I feel like love is moving backward each day. Although i feel normal, we communicate normally, and we say i love you at each other everyday. I still feel like a tiny hole in my heart is spreading out slowly.. If only he knew how i feel right now. But nevermind, i will only be misunderstood for sure. And we would only argue about it. I think its not that much to asked and give each other access on our accounts because we are partners in real life. Im his other half and he is mine. So what is yours is mine and what is mine is yours, thats how i understand marriage. Am i on the wrong? Coz everybody i know had their access on their husband's accounts. Its just like a joint savings account in a bank.. Both must have an access.. We never know when one would end up an accident, how can another access his/her accounts when both dont have a knowledge at each other. Its sharing life for me. Im pained and im totally devastated and disappointed in this kind of privacy rule. It only applies to single and not for couples. It is my opinion and my point of view.. I guess waiting for him to be open will be a long process.. Maybe i would get an access on his accounts only when his hands cant move or body will be paralyzed because he wont have a choice but to asked me to open it for him.. Well, its just a bit of my exagerated imagination. Till here for now! My heart wants to breath..

Trust vs. Doubt

Having my random thought about our marriage and our relationship as partners in life. Mark, my husband is really a straight man. That's what i believed. I know that he wont cheat on me that easily. even if his peers would draw him into that temptation, i know that he can refuse it because of his own self dignity and fidelity. I know that he could decide for himself, he would know the cause and effect of his actions and his responsibility. Im feeling so down now when i happen to know through his blog that he had been tempted to date and gone out with a young girl thru the influence of his friend H. I feel a little scared and mad at him for a sudden period of time.. been into a lot of thinking before making conclusions of clearing things on him. so i pull myself in and think of a wise decision, I shouldn't get mad at him. I told myself to calm down.. I must be a good,kind and understanding wife to him. I want him to realized that there is no other woman like me, no one can replace me in his life. I am me, an honest and loving wife to him. He should have his own conscience towards this matter. He knows how sensitive I can be when it comes to the matter of the heart and truth. Im having my grip on it by giving him a reversed psychology, instead of nagging and getting mad and closing all ears to his reasons, i decided that its better to be open to him and listen to what he has to say and let him explain. I would never understand and can never decide without me knowing what's going on inside his head. Even if i would know the real thing and the truth i would just pretend not being hurt and give my support to him. That's how much i love him. I am more than willing to sacrifice my own pride just to let us live in peace and harmony for the sake and future of our family. If i choose to be hot tempered things wont be cleared, and the situation could only get worst then, we'll have our misunderstanding. My motto for today "Be patient, be kind and understanding for God is always watching." Although he said that he didn't do anything wrong and beyond any friendly approach or manner towards that girl. I still have this pain in my heart, for its still an act of cheating. Even when he didn't touch her, the fact that he had come into thinking of having her in his room although it didn't end that way is a reason enough for me to have a doubt. But still Im trying to understand him. Be more patient and understanding. For in the end nothing bad comes out from wrong doings and nothing comes negative from positive. He is a reasonable man. a man with a righteous mind, this is how i interpret him. for sometimes he might get tempted to cheat, i will still from the bottom of my heart can forgive him. for we are just human and we are not perfect. We can try to be perfect but still we needed a lot of discipline on ourselves to be able to become one. In the reality of life, it is nothing but struggle. Any problems that arises we face it all the time and we struggle for our life. I just have to have my faith in God in order to survive. And believed in His ultimate plan for me. God is the only one i can trust with my whole heart and with my whole being. That's all!!! I love you Lord! And please take care of me as always. Thank you po. God bless you all! Have a nice day...c",)

My little prince Daichi.. A blessing!

It was Jan 24, 2014 @ 1:35pm in Albay Doctors Hospital of Legazpi City, i gave birth to a healthy baby boy through ceasarian operation. We named him Daichi. He was a big baby weighing 3.450 kg and length of 54cm. The doctors had a hard time pulling him out of my belly because of his size. And eventhough my body feels numb i can still feel the movement of pushing on my stomach to let him out, the doctor had two assisting her to pull him out. Atlast, baby was out!! Then followed after suturing my uterus was cutting of my tubes, yes we decided that this will be our last child so i had my BTL performed at the same time. I can no longer bare a child. The operation was a success and it took us only 2hrs. After closing my wound they had me see my baby Daichi. He was really really beautiful or should i say very handsome with red and pinky skin and nose was high. Oh my baby, i love kissing him and feel gratitude from God. Thank you Lord for the gift of new life you gave us. I will treasure him, care and love him. I will teach him to be a good christian and a better person. Im thankful to my family who supported me emotionally and morally. To my beloved husband for being at my side during this crucial moment of my life. Sharing my pains and worries. Im really blessed to have them all and some friends who were there to support. Truly i am thankful and greatful. I feel God's presence and love working on me. His spirit soars within me, every doubt is gone. I can see a better future of my family. In God's proper timing i know that He had a better plan for us. All the trials we encounter and will encounter in the future, there is a reason to that. We are being prepared and we are gaining strength and knowledge through it. For that we praised you Lord!

Christmas wish come true!!!

Happy New Year to all!

Sorry for the late update on my blog...

Been busy this past christmas eve and New years too.. Celebrating is an event that most of us wants to do with our family complete. I had my wish come true and God hear my prayers when i got this call from Mahal during his business trip in KL. That he will be home for Christmas and New years too. And what's more touching on my part is that he will stay for  more than a month to be with me, he wants to support me during my final months of pregnancy, he wants to be there on those moments just like when i give birth to Yuri. He's such a sweet and caring husband. I love the way he show his love for me. And Im feeling more secure when his beside me. Now i can make myself comfortable when he would give me a light massage on where there are body aches i feel. This way he shows how much he cares for me and my pregnancy. He's such a responsible partner i must say. He has changed for the better. He didn't even argue with me unlike before. He learned to control his temper on me. I appreciate those act for he may be worry of what could it cause on my health and the baby. But i like it better this way he is being calm and cool. We are being more like a real couple. My Christmas and New Years celebration is the best this time. Next to this, we will be celebrating for our new child Daichi. This month i will be giving birth to him. Our youngest Daichi will be our last child. It is planned already and decided for my health sake too. Three children is enough so we can raise them well too. Hoping and praying for my safe delivery and fast recovery. Im thankful to my husband whose always been here for us. For sacrificing his work for our family. Moving to a new company. I hope and pray that it would also bring him luck and happiness on his new found company. That he would be out of stress from work and that he'd be more inspired to pursue and reach his goals for our family. Im so very thankful to you My beloved husband. Hope my heart reaches out to you. I love you even more.. Korekara mo yurushiku ne. Futari ishoni gambaru ne.