Falling In Love

     True love can bear the longitude of waiting even if it takes forever. When confused about love, follow your heart, it may not always be right, but you will have the memories to make you smile. If your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another, before you decide, you should think first whether you have a better head or a better heart. It’s okay to kiss a fool or let the fool kiss you but never let a kiss fool you. Don’t find love, let it find you, that’s why it is called “falling in love”, you don’t force yourself to fall, you just fall. Never be ashamed to show love when you feel it because what is the most painful is to love and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel. Love hurts more when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

      Girls are like angels, they forget and forgive, while men are devils, they easily get and forget. To love someone is to have the courage to walk away and to let go the other one whom wishes to be free, no matter how it hurts. On the course of love, people must teach their hearts to be brave enough to let go when they realized that things are not meant to be after all. Never say “I Love You”, when you don’t care. Never talk about feelings if they are not there. Never touch a heart if you mean to break it. Never look into the eyes if you have to say a lie. And never say hello if you mean to say goodbye. For words and hearts should be handled with care, cause when words are spoken and hearts are broken is the hardest things to repair.

     The simplest pick-up line does not have so many words; all I need is “I “ for me to say, “LOVE” for me to share it and “YOU” for me to give it. Don’t share your tears to someone who hurt you. Don’t long for someone if they left. Don’t feel sorry if you fail when you try your best. Someone out here is more deserving for your time and love. True love is not when the heart beats faster or fastest, but when it beats no more and yet you love the person, then you are using your mind. But if you love with no reason, then you are using your heart.

   Now examine yourself do you love with no reason at all? I still think it doesn’t matter as long as you love.. nothing matters much more.

God bless you all!

Have a nice day...c",)

My real feeling...

    I write this blog just to release the pressure im feeling right now..to my readers i hope you wont think anything against this. my life story is already an open book so i didn’t hesitate to write down what I'm feeling right now.
    I'm in the middle of complicated reaction towards my husbands past. Today Marilyn and I got this exchange conversation through email. And by that mails i was really bothered and got so affected.. i confirm it with Mark but upon explaining to me the answers to my questions he began to be mad at me.. Yes I'm really jealous of her because i know definitely what happened in their past.. although Mark assure me that he wont come back to her. And wont contact her again..I couldn’t find if that's the truth. I know that i should trust him in order for our marriage to work. Maybe i misunderstood him..sometimes i think if our marriage was the right decision we made.. if i would really consider it as a security with what we really feel for each other. Or i am just misunderstanding something about his real feelings for me. Did he really forget her totally..? this questions really bother me. I don't know if i am committing the same mistake again. Its just that my heart is so hurt.. Everytime i see or known to me that Marilyn is in contact with him i would feel insecure. Its like I'm afraid she’s going to take Mark away from me.. well, maybe i really don't feel like a wife to him.. still i don't have that much access in his life like were one with each other.. He still have resentment i can feel that. He cant deny it cause i feel like he doesn’t totally treat me as a real wife in some things and some manners. I feel a bit strange about this marriage and our relationship.. I'm afraid it wont work out the way i want it to be.. Maybe because he is holding back to something, with somebody. Thats what my intuition tells me. I hope we can make our marriage successful till the end of our life. I wish to spend more time together and talk things out together without letting our throats out. Should i really feel relax and not to worry about Marilyn anymore? Should i really believe my husband’s words and promises? Should i take his explanation? Well, he cant blame me why I'm being so affected by this matter.. I'm very sensitive when it comes to his past girlfriends. I admit I'm a very jealous kind of woman. And I feel sorry if I could make complains on him during his work.. i know it was not a good manner but i cant control my emotion bursting from inside.. like im going to erupt. That if i didn’t tell him it would just make me feel ill and sick. Now my heart is trembling and painful because I'm mad..and i cant help it, the pain keeps on going on and on. As if I feel like I'm going to die soon. I must learn to control my emotion especially when I'm mad. And i don't want Mark to worry much about my health as possible as i can , i don't want to bother him of my health status..tonight i went to church to pray, asking for strength and clear my mind in God’s grace. I want to over come my fear and my painful heart to stay strong. I must be strong.. this moment of trials in our relationship is just like a typhoon that's trying to ruin us. i need to grip my hands in order to stay and believe in this marriage. Really now i realized that its really difficult to hold a relationship like marriage.. its like I'm a canoe in a wavy sea..afraid to turn down and drown..into the deepest of the sea, and there’s nothing but darkness. I don't want that to happen, i still want to protect our marriage for the sake of our children. I don't want to give them a broken family and break their hopes. I want to fulfill their dreams of a one happy family..loving parents that will always be there for them. that can support and guide them.. I wish Mark’s hope is the same. my decision of caring for them will always be the same no matter what happen. I will give my whole life for my children and my husband. I dedicate my life to them. they are my life, as long as they are there asking for my love and care i will continue to live and fight for them and for my life. I love them so much...

    Can anyone give me some piece of advise? Nihonggo demo ii desu.. がんばる　です。。　皆さん　ゆるしくね！　ありがとうごさいます。。

God bless you all!
Have a nice day...c",)

Going back home...

    Its been a while after that thing happen between us. I considered our relationship as lovers then. But Mark is not really open to that idea maybe because of Marilyn or was there a guilt feeling? Eventhough our relationship with each other was not typical, in my heart and in my mind i considered him already as my boyfriend..then later he agreed to our relationship. He said he would make things clear with Marilyn, and that I'm already his girlfriend then. Although he said he would break up with her in different reason and doesn’t want her to know about me. He said he will try to be careful to break the news about his change of heart..he gives me hope that this relationship of ours will persist. But on the other hand i felt guilty too of my actions. bothered by my conscience but i don't know what it is.. have i been a bad person? did i just take Mark away from Marilyn? was it really me the reason why he wants to break up with her. although i suggested maybe he could still make things up with Marilyn, he  said it wont do any good because ever since he had doubted Marilyn’s feeling towards him and her love. and his being tired of it. Well, i just want to make sure about our relationship. I trusted his words.
    Since our first date at sea paradise he then come often to omise and see me.. and at night sometimes i escape to see him after work. i was then going home soon. and he said he was going on a business trip to china.. i felt so lonely. why so sudden? very wrong timing when we only had little time to spend together..but there’s nothing i can do. And its more sad because he wont be able to attend my sayonara party. For the last time i want to see him and be with him yet the time limits our time to spend together.. we talk and promised each other to keep our communication even if i go back home to Philippines. He said he would visit me soon. And i rely on his words again.. A week before i go back home, i find out that im pregnant.. and i was so worried. If our manager finds it out they wont give me my salary and give me a penalty. My manager will also pay for it.. And because of that contract i signed and the rules about being a talent, i should not get pregnant. My mind was in  a twirl and Mark wasn’t there.. I refuse to tell him the news, maybe later or its better if he wont know it. i must get rid of this situation.. So, by then i drink more alcohol every night.. even take medicine to stop my pregnancy before i go back home. its painful for me because i really don't know what and who to believe. I was also confused if Mark would be able to support me..in the end i take control of my own future. Mark didn’t have to know about my situation anymore.. but maybe in due time i would share this experience i have on him later especially my pregnancy. So then by drinking to much alcohol and taking medicine my child has gone maybe his only a week old, I’ve been so stress and tired. I killed my own child.. but i was in  too much pressured and many will get affected by it. so i had to do it..have so much regret but i cant bring back the time now.
    The night of my sayonara party.. many of my customers came with their friends.. it was a busy night, my last night in Japan. I missed Mark so much i wish he was here. But got a call from him in China.. He had sent me a bouquet of assorted flowers, i felt happy when i had it and read the card with his message of I love you.. i had think that he was missing me too. my heart cries because i missed him and wanted to be with him more.. but all that ..  I had buried in my heart and in my mind until we see each other again. The party went well and the omise was full..Many left until closing time.. All of the girls were crying and saying their going to missed me.. My promoter thank me too for being a good worker at his club. I put a lot of money at his omise and he give me gratitude. He said he would request for me to go back in Japan soon after 2-3 months if i signed the new contract. i said i would sign it in the Philippines, i had to ask my manager first and they can negotiate. that's the rule, and i abide the rules. Well, after worked went straight to the apartment hurriedly packed my things. Still I'm feeling lonely, such empty feeling couldn’t just disappear. And the reason is Mark!
    At 5 a.m. I'm on my way then to the airport the driver drove me again. Along the road i make glance at each road and buildings i see as if trying to put them inside my head and reminiscing memories of Japan. One by one i remember what happened to me here.. my tears run down again but i was shy the driver might notice my crying so i sob unsound. until we reach the airport..there i meet up with the two other girls again. we go back home together.. Home sweet home! Had my lesson learned in Japan. Something has change in me!

God bless you all!

Have a nice day...c",)

Part 2 Continuation..

    Since the night we had talk about each other status, seems a little change happened. We became like friends, telling jokes at each other. i love seeing him smile, those cute little eyes so charming i giggled. Although things is getting to be normal for both of us, something  happen in a short time.. i was so pressured with my boyfriend that time Aritz because he keeps on asking me to go with him at the  love hotel and insisted that i should prove him that i love him by giving him my body. If i really treat him as a boyfriend he said.. and that our relationship is serious i should go with him at the hotel. Well, what can i say? Ofcourse for me our relationship is not serious because i don't love him my heart beats for someone and that is Mark.. although no one knows my real feelings, i kept it my self. I tried my best to act normally everytime Mark is around. Anyway, about my boyfriend when he ask me to go with him i refused.. i just said I'm not ready. And its too early to do it right? The truth is i cant make love with the man i don't love. Without love i cannot give. I reason out myself and grasp every reason i can make to avoid what he wants to happen.. i thought so that maybe he just love my body and after he get me he will run away, i felt so scared. Inside his car he insisted to take me to the hotel..we were driving and i couldn’t escape this way or we’ll have accident.. until we reach the hotel and he park his car. At the parking area i struggle with him and said I'm not going.. that if he really loves me and respect me he would not force me this way.. i feel so helpless but i prayed  to get out of this trouble.. i was sobbing and crying at that time, yet he was grabbing my shoulder and it hurts.. i was hurt deep inside, like he is taking my soul and dignity..until i get this chance to open the doors lock and run away...i run as fast as i could, but how can i go home i don't know how to ride the taxi and there no taxi anywhere..i was so scared. Until he followed me in his car..saying sorry for the rushing. He promised he wont force me again and come back to him.. i ask “Really?”, he said “Promised..now get in the car.. i wont hurt you anymore i will take you home in your apartment..”  Maybe he realized his wrong. I don't see any choice anyway so i fix my self and ride on his car.. I'm still crying.. He said sorry many times. But i keep quite until we reach my apartment. After getting of the car i told him that i don't want to see him again..and tell him not to go to omise anymore.. and we break up! Yet he persist on getting me back, he cried that night when he visit me at the omise.. asking for my forgiveness.. I said there’s nothing i can do..goodbye! Eventhough i said goodbye he keeps bothering me on the phone and even go to omise until he get tired of my cold heart for him.

    By January i was again single and feel empty.. but i have many customer and many suitors.. they are all gentle to me although sometimes they ask me too to go with them in hotel. i would only tell them..that i don't need a customer like them, I'm not selling my body in exchange of something.. if they want they can ask other girls. but not with me.. Mark then seeing from afar with Sarah, i had a little jealousy and regret that i wasn’t the one beside him. we just glance at each other sometime when i can sit with the customer. He then look back at me as if our souls are trying to talk with each other.. the way he looked at me i can feel that he likes me too.. its just that he cant do anything about that feeling, and maybe don't want to compromise also. On January 27, 2005 Sarah had finish her contract and came back to Philippines.. i didn’t have an idea that it would be a blessing in disguise because Mark started to request for me then. Maybe 3x he went to omise and request for me, on his third time coming he was with his friends..we were enjoying at the table and joking until i bravely ask him to take me to sea paradise. it wasn’t really the place that we are going to go that matters.. i just wanted to be with him and get to know him more that's why i invited him for that date.. But as much as possible i don't want him to notice my real purpose i pretended that i really wanted to go to that place.. And he said, “ You have many customers. Why don't you ask them to take you to sea paradise?”..Oh uh, that's an awful idea.. now how can i make him go with me without noticing my real intention? So, i answered..” i want to go only with you?”.. That’s true because i trusted him so and that he is a gentleman..And I felt relieved but he said..”..but i have one condition.” At first i was shock and face turns red.. I listen attentively, when he ask me if i will go with him with his conditions. I said Yes! Eventhough I don't have any idea about that condition he will gave me. I will grab the chance just to get to know him more.. He then said his condition, he want us to ride in the roller coaster.. oh..that’s more difficult than i thought..i said i cant ride there because of my heart condition. i might lose breathing and die there. my heart is weak! He said okay then i wont force you to ride, but we will go to sea paradise, and we made our schedule on Sunday.

    Sunday, i feel a mixed emotion when he picked me up and on our way to sea paradise. i feel so stupid asking him so many questions and barely got an answer.. He is still keeping distance. Its 7:30 a.m. and I'm still sleepy. so i sleep on our way to sea paradise.. sometimes wake up and looking on the roads and buildings.. the weather is fine and surrounding is beautiful. Until we arrived at sea paradise.. the parking area is very far so we take a long walk thru the entrance.. I was amazed by the different kinds fishes and other aquatic creatures..he tour me around and take pictures.. i feel so happy we were like couples on our date. i will surely missed him when i get back to the Philippines. And that would be 2 weeks from now. i barely have time to make up my goal on getting to know him more..so after our tour at sea paradise he asked me where else i want to go.. i said “ take me to your apartment.” But he refused maybe he’s hiding something from me.. instead he said “ only Marilyn can come to my apartment!” Ouch! that hurts my heart.. i thought his relationship with her is getting cloudy..and thinking of breaking up with her. Well, i guess he just don't want to be bothered by another unsure relationship with me.. but my intention is to get to know him more and only i would be able to know him more if he let me get through his place.. because as the saying goes you can see the persons personality and character through the place he live.. I insisted for him to take me to his apartment.. and i felt devastated when he  again and again refuses it. Instead he take me to the River side near 555 hotel. He park his car there and it was 5 p.m already i was very sleepy.. he let me sleeps at the back of his car. he prepared and reclined the car seat..And i ask him if his not tired and he can sleep beside me..

     I was born as a sweet person so eventhough i been hurt with what he just said..i would hardly show it especially if i love that person. At first he hesitate if he would come beside me as if trying to avoid any possible circumstances that might happen between us. He’s really careful. But as of that moment although there were doubts about his personality i already trusted him when i go with him to sea paradise. i already surrender my heart and my self to him.. its already on my mind that whatever happen it will happen for a reason.. and i asked God for sign that if his really fated for me something will happen to us and bind us.. if not physically then maybe a change in his heart towards me. That he would love me just the same as i love him. And treat me as special woman in his life...When he get beside me he offered his arms to be my pillow.. i feel so comfortable and secured in his arms. that no one will ever harm me when I'm inside his warm arms..i can feel his heart is beating faster, and ask if his okay or why his nervous. Looking in his face, our eyes met and in the sudden rush of adrenalin in our body we kiss each other..deeply and caressing each other. my body shivers when i felt his manhood. he was then on top of me and we were both drowning in this situation..we made love. By then i know that he was the man for me... my prayers were answered. Thats what important now.

    Until next chapter..  

God bless you all!

Have a nice day...c",)

Meeting the Man of my life..Part I

    It was August 26, 2004 when i first step my feet in Japan.. my very first time to go out of the country, the farthest place I’ve ever been...Japan for me is my second home, because i had learn a lot about their culture and some of it i learn to adapt too. I admire their attitude towards work and their working hard. I had learn that most people here especially those who are employed in the company take a lot of their time at work, and most of the time they are lack in sleep.. most were have only 4 hrs or 2 hrs to rest and sleep.. always had to overtime.. Japanese are very much dedicated people towards their work.. it seems like its their life. And yes it is really their life i guess more than their family.. i might be wrong but that's how i analyze their way of living. Disciplined people and respectable. But there are things that i don’t understand well about Japanese. Like why they spend more time at work than spending more time with their family.. And in a couple they are not that showy in expressing their feeling towards each other.. Japanese are strong in character, Maybe cold heart but kind people. Maybe its also in their culture unlike Filipinos we are showy and we express freely our feeling in any way. We are sweet, accommodated and hospitable.

    Well, enough with the culture. Now my first night at work was a little strange, maybe because I'm in japan or maybe because my surrounding is different now or was it the reality.. will i be okay here..? are the other girls will do fine with me? Well meeting other filipina’s here in Japan makes a little comfort because I'm not alone, the feeling of secured companions gives me relief. They are also friendly, and some veteran talents were of help. Teaching me how things work here.. find some of them to be my close friends. The work runs smoothly for three months until i become the number 1. At first i didn’t know about it. Because even if i got many points and exceeded my quota my salary is still fix. 500 dollar a month. minus the tax..couldn't do anything about it.. And it would only be given to us after finishing our contract for 6 months. We are given weekly allowance of 10000 yen plus the points. in one month i could get 100000 yen and some customers give us tips too, it depends on how much and how often can we get tip.. As for me i can have 20000 - 30000 yen for 1 month tip only. i could be able to send my family  in the Philippines  80000 - 100000 man yen monthly. half for their living and half for my savings in the bank. The rest is for my expenses here in Japan.. It wasn’t tough to live this kind of life but a little tiring because of the time, i got to work at night and sleep in daytime. After 3 months i got to learn to speak and communicate in nihonggo I been trying hard to learn and understand their language.

    Its October 2004 when i began to feel my heart opened and beat again for the second time around, since the first time i fell in love with was my daughter belle’s father.. my very first true love... Now same old feeling begun to come into my system, not exactly the same and i wasn’t that sure if it would persist. Cause my past had fail and its hard for me to compromised again, i got my trauma attacking me. But then i know that when i start to fall in love there’s no point returning and i couldn’t control my emotions. Because I'm very much naive in showing my feelings, i mean i don’t hesitate and i can say directly what i want with the person i love. His name is Mark, that's how he introduce himself to me when i first meet him at omise ( karaoke club). I was just a help then he didn’t request for me..at first glance my heart beats faster as if its trying to connect with him.. was it love at first sight? He was my type of guy. Prominent look, strong character, intelligent and mysterious. I want to be his girl that's what i had thought..I'm just making my fantasy in front of him.. but its working time so i got to do my job first and that is to entertain the customers. And he’s the customer of our club. First i introduce my self.. “ Konbanwa, honey desu hajimemashite.. Whats your name? Namae wa nandesuka? Can you speak English?”.. He replied, “ I'm Mark..” I thought at first it was his first time to go at our club, later i learn he had a request but by that time she wasn’t there maybe had comeback to Philippines. Well, the conversation continues after introducing  my self and prepared his drink i share with him some of my personal story.. i felt that i can trust him with my life although he’s a bit arrogant by that time.. i was trying to connect with him and open our paths for new beginning.. not instantly as boyfriend but even to be just my friend because I'm not aware of his status. I had to make sure of him first.. but my time was up and i still got many things to ask, 30 minutes only for a help..next to me was Sarah. He requested for Sarah then.. maybe he got bored with me. Or maybe he hates me teasing him. It wasn’t me that he want. Such a serious type of guy. Maybe i made him disappointed or was there a miscommunication? am i being misinterpreted.. well, maybe its not my night and he was not my fate. But i really like him. i wanted to spend more time talking with him. Only if he requested for me i could get to know him better. Maybe I'm not his type.. Well, i get back inside at the waiting area until someone will call me there... our work ends until 3 a.m. I'm so tired! Back in our apartment i couldn’t forget Mark..He really made a mark in my system, i had wish he’d comeback again and i can sit next to him again..The next time was i been Sarah's help and Sarah is my friend.. i make funny gestures just to entertain him while Sarah was busy with her other customer. Mark loves to sing so i made him sing and asked him to teach me Japanese song too. I'm very funny person, its just that I'm like a child playing with him. we talked of everything.. and everything but not below the belt..By that time he still didn’t open up about his personal status.. I was the one that's always on the talking..then Sarah come back..he wants me to join them so i was jonai shime.. At last got plenty of time to be with him. even though Sarah was there i still couldn’t help my self to fantasize him. i was vocal with my feelings, i let Sarah hear it too.. Sarah had a boyfriend and Mark is aware of it.. then Sarah told me Mark had a girlfriend in the Philippines.. i could hardly believe and my shoulder falls down, my enthusiasm suddenly fall. what a bad news! Well, maybe that's why he didn't request for me the first time because he was already taken and he was avoiding the situation.. that its better to request for Sarah because there wouldn’t be a chance for them both to go sailing in two rivers at the same time.. maybe that was the reason i thought. So i stopped from dreaming of him. The earlier the better...stop hoping for a chance to have a deeper relationship. But i was really attracted to him, so mysterious and that challenges me. 

    By that time even though i had stopped from him. I still wish he would me mine.. but in order to avoid him too.. I get myself a boyfriend of the thought that i could turn my heart to other man.. trying to find ways to love my boyfriend by that time.. Arits is the name of my first Japanese boyfriend, we are boyfriends with one sided love. its because i don't love him but he loves me. He was just an instrument for me to forget about what I'm feeling for Mark. Arits was my customer for 2 months and was trying to court me from the very first time he saw me.. At first he made all the girls sit with him and made interview.. every girl was just help for 30 minutes and he said he was looking for a prospect girlfriend. almost all the girls sit with him but he was choosy. Until i sit with him and introduce myself.. He can speak a little Tagalog and i find it funny.. maybe he enjoys my laughing. After 1 month i answer his wish to be my boyfriend.. i take advantage of the situation in order to forget about Mark and avoid his presence everytime he come to omise. Mark comes to omise only once a week sometimes twice together with other friends.

    My birthday is in middle of November, at that time it was Sarah’s day-off. To my surprise Mark came and requested for me. After a month we got this first chance to talk seriously together and we talk about his status too. About her girlfriend in the Philippines that their relationship is getting cloudy and he wasn’t sure of his feelings anymore about her.. he shared just a little detail about her. where he met her and how,  her name and age and he told me she’s from Cebu 27 yrs old. And said he was sending her to school. They communicate through text..i told him i got a boyfriend too and he’s over there. i pointed him Aritz. He said Goodluck! And i answered him “ but your my type..” I'm starting to fancy again for him.. If there would only be a chance..but he already had a girlfriend. He should break up with her first before i can give my heart totally.. Yes! that's my decision...This night was one of my most memorable moment.. Are we fated to be together.. It was really a surprise, and i love surprises! Well until here for a moment.. until next chapter..time to park my fingers its been a long story...to be continue...

God bless you all!

Have a nice day...c",)

Life at work..

    From the philippines i had my training as a singer in one of our promotion site for 3 months, its a japanese karaoke club..place was at Roxas boulevard.. the name of the club is Sweetline. Its the same karaoke like in Japan. Dancers do cultural dances..show-time performs the native dance of filipinos..but there are also modern dances with 2 boys on the back up..Its easy for me to learn the dance too. And sometimes sing in solo. Customers are all japanese. So we had to learn to speak nihonggo. Also had a Dohan and Shime.. But its decent unlike other night clubs where you buy girls for pleasure and satisfaction. Then going with the customer in their hotel room. While in the karaoke club dohan means date over dinner or shopping.. Sometimes customer asked to guide them in touring Manila or out of town in tourist spots place.. Japanese likes and love to have pretty young girls beside them for display and going in the public make it more confident for them, letting other people think that they got a pretty girl with them although there’s really no relationship between them..they just want to boast, especially those on late ages japanese. But then Customers usually come on group..maybe business matters or just having good time.

    Anyway my work at the karaoke was not that difficult, maybe because many customers request for me and i got the highest pay weekly..working in karaoke gets me 30000-50000 pesos monthly including tips from customers. For me its big amount already to provide for my family. My two brothers is going in their college and I’m paying for them..also for my parents i give them allowance and paying all the monthly bills.. i did all the responsibility. And i had my daughter Belle by that time she is just 9 months old when i left to work, because I’m a single mom. Yes, it had been the reason why i had to work and train at the club to earn more money than working at the office straight 9 hrs with very minimum salary of 7000. I cannot survive with that so i decided to work far. Although its really not my field of work, i had try to learn the basic.. Im a fast learner so i had cope with the routine in Karaoke.. I just focus on my goal to help and provide for my family so i can make it no matter how hard it may take. And i had been successful in this field of work. Its pure, clean and fun work. But one thing i hate sometimes when there customers that wants to hold and touch my body when i sit next to them. i disgust that kind of attitude.. i feel like i don’t deserve it. and so i run away and change table.. as much as possible i don’t want to sit with a customer who want to go below the belt. Just talking is easier and it gives me peace.. But our Mama sang asked us to be patient and if the customer wants to play on the table we shouldn’t be alone.. She put two or three girls in one table if the customer is maniac ( sukebe ). Yes i always ask for Mama sang’s help if i had a customer like that. If girls had feel discriminated and being attacked on the table the management would let that customer out and banded from coming in. That kind of customer will not be tolerated at our club.
    After the 3 months training, i go for an audition and i passed it my 2 other co-talents fails. i pity them. they had to go another training and wait for 2 months to audition again..audition is only taken 3x if you failed it there’s no way you can audition again and go to Japan. Audition is hard and tense..if your not prepared don’t try your luck.. you should have confident and always chin up like a true performer. no matter what technical problem occurs the show must go on.. for my audition i sang 2 slow songs and one fast song.. yes its the requirement. i sing “ I honestly love you” by Olivia ~, “Runaway” i forgot the name of the singer, and “ Sometimes” by britney spears. It’s tough! After all the audition had finish and the name of those who passed are called..i felt so nervous and my heart is beating fast..my hands and feet were cold like Im being thrown up by the hill and don’t know where i would land. Until my name was called i could breath easy and i thanked God for it.
    After passing the audition they now process my Visa. Cause it says that the promoter demands for me to go to his club in Japan, Atsugi ASAP. Had been requesting since my training started at the karaoke.. Many promoter lines for me, but our Manager decides to whom will he give our services.. Of course he was bidding for our talent fee. The highest bidder will  have  me. After a month my Talent Visa had arrived.. Soon fly to Japan, Im with 2 other girls but we are designated separately after arriving at Narita airport. When i was alone at the car with the driver i feel unease and nervous, asking my self where will he take me.. Is it a safe place his taking me.. I don’t know much nihonggo and i could hardly speak and understand without hearing an example of the conversation.. so i just sit quite and pray that i wont be in trouble.. Although i feel so sleepy, i stay awake coz i don’t know this man Im with and i don’t know where his taking me.. its taking a long drive. Im bored. But Im really amazed by the road in Japan. Its so clean and no traffic, unlike in the philippines..while riding the car i had the chance to look around and see the beautiful bridges and buildings.. Japan is really a class country. Very progressive indeed. I was mesmerized by the beautiful views of light, soon it will be night. We arrived at Atsugi by 9 p.m... First the driver take me to my promoter and his club..name of the club is Manila Garden.. its not so big maybe 1/3 of the size in sweetline. but many customers too. After meeting with the boss (sachou) and my promoter they asked the driver to take me home at the girls apartment and rest for tonight.. Tomorrow i will start my work here at my new club! Hope the other girls would be friendly enough to welcome me. that’s all for now...until next chapter!

God bless you all!
Have a nice day...c",)

Worried..

Good morning everyone...since yesterday i had been worried about Yuri.. she's my youngest daughter, 4months and half. She got this cold and coughing that's very hard for her to handle..i feel pain whenever she starts coughing and her face turns red like her breath is cutting in between..its hard to see her in pain and crying a lot, she starts losing her voice and doesnt have her appetite to drink her milk.. I worried much because since last night i often wake up in between my sleeps and found her difficult to breath, maybe because of her colds that blocks her nose and the constant coughing make her irritable that make her difficult to sleep..So until this morning i decided to take her to the pediatrician..clinic was near but there are lots of patients always then we waited for almost 1 hr..when her name was called we hurriedly get inside the clinic and the doctor check her up..same routine. Finds her overweight for 5 pounds but the doctor say its ok for now since shes not feeling well no need to lessen her intake of milk. But we should watch for it later if her weight will constantly go up.As of now, Doctor gave her two kinds of medicine...1 for her cold and coughing and the other is for her allergy..Yes she also had an allergy called atopic dermatitis..it means that shes too sensitive, her skin can react to what she eats and drink. and the things she touch and the people around her that touch her..doctor said the kind of sickness that she bear is for the rich people only..means it would take lot of money for medicines whenever allergy attacks her. That's odd and a bit rude for me..why my child? Doctor said she had it since birth and its on her blood. So there's nothing i can do but to take care of her properly.. I'm hoping she'd get well soon..as a mother I don't want to see her suffer. If only i can take her sickness i would. I'm very much worried.

God bless you all!
Have a nice day...c",)

In my thoughts!

Today, i was tempted to read Mahal's blog. Although he said that i must not read it. That it is a blog for everyone, yet forbidden for me. And i don't understand why he wants to keep it from me. What is he afraid of..that I'd discovered more about him and his past...Well, that's in the past and i couldn't bring back what happened in the past. I just want to understand him more. That's my true intention. I don't want to be the last one to know what's going on. I don't want him to keep secret at all times. I want to build our relationship in honesty. Well, as i run my eyes on his blog... i realized something about him. Why he had been this way to me. And it all starts in his trauma with his relationship with Marilyn. And all that including about the money, the full support and a good heart he gave her. Despite all his effort their relationship didn't persist. Well, maybe its really not his destiny, that God's plan is to make him wake up in a false hope relationship with her. Marilyn, although i don't know her personally, but i got this chance to chat with her during the peak trial of my relationship with Mahal, she seem to be for the love of money only. And in the process as i analyzed it, Mahal did give her the best of her life, she just couldn't appreciate her luck and missed it. In the end they both suffer from misfortune. And Mahal got affected so much, that he had carried it with him at all times even when he's with me.. The pain of his past doesn't just go away even now. But i hope i could give him the chance to live a happy marriage. And that he deserve my love.. I want to comfort all his sufferings, but i don't want him to treat me like a cure or pain reliever or even a substitute in his ideal girl Marilyn. I don't want to hear him say that he just love me because he needs me..because for me, i need him in my life and i cant live without him because i love him so much!

Discovery...

Last night as i browse the web i discovered something again. It was Mahal's blog, although its written in Japanese there's an automatic translation in English so i could understand it all. At first i was amazed by the way he expresses himself in writing, yet as i go deeper into reading his blog i discovered something which is up to now is still a puzzle in me..Maybe, its half the truth, the answer to my questions. Although he marry me, i still got this feeling of incomplete closure between him and Marilyn. And sometimes i doubt his love for me, if its for real or am i just being his escaped. Because  as i read between the lines he still care for her and maybe he still love her co'z he couldn't forget what happened in their relationship.. Sometimes i feel guilty.. was it me that had been the hindrance in the progress of their relationship. But by the time i had discovered his two timing relationship with me too, I feel betrayed. It is a situation i don't want to go through again and again. I want his true genuine love for me and no other woman would get involved. I want him to love only me.. But that i cannot control for i know sometime in his past Marilyn did make him happy. And that in no doubt was still in Mahal's system. He couldn't take away the memory they build together. And for that reason, I lose trust in our relationship. Maybe he could gain my trust if he marry me again in a Big Church in front of the people we love, our family, friends, in front of the priest that will do the ceremony and there he would promise his true love for me in God's presence! Well, reading his blog my chest and heart been painful again, like a heart attack is coming on my way. How am i supposed to stop my destiny? Now I'm trying to control my emotions and relax in times like this. Its a stress and i don't know what to think about his blog. I know it is for real when he write the blog, but i just couldn't help getting hurt again. Despite of his promises that he wont hurt me again, i still don't have that too much confident in his true feelings towards me. He seems to be loving every girl that had been in his life. And not freeing the feeling they had before, so it hurts me deep inside. I'm trying not to show it..my emotion! Or i might just loss my temper and have a fight or argument with him again. I'm tired of it and i had enough of it! Maybe for now its up to him to prove his love to me...yet i love him so much and i just want him to be honest. 

God bless you all!
Have a nice day...c",)

Age differences..

I'll be honest here -- I like them older. Save for my first boyfriend, who was just two years older than me, the men I've dated and clicked with have generally been anywhere from six to 20 years my senior. Now, a 18-year age difference may not be the norm or "average," but I hardly think it's a strong predictor for the success of a relationship. After all, nearly half of those couples with the "ideal" age difference between them get divorced. It amuses me how shocked people continue to be about an age discrepancy.

Age itself isn't a factor in compatibility. It's elements like maturity and life experience, which tend to correlate with age, that can make or break a relationship's long-term potential. But so can future goals, background, culture, family, career, personality, and physical chemistry. I think that the combination of those factors (maturity and life experience included) takes precedence over whether or not your significant other gets your clever "Beverly Hillbillies" reference. And while we're at it, can we retire lingo like "cougar" and "cradle-robber." It condescends to both parties and is on par with sticking a cutesy label on someone who dates outside their own race or background. Age and maturity often go hand in hand, but you can certainly have one without the other.

I do have one (admittedly hypocritical) rule when it comes to dating much older men. To weed out the creeps, I always ask if they generally date women as young as me. If they make a habit of looking for women at the local college campus, I move on. I want to be the exception, not the rule.

God bless you all!

Have a nice day...c",)

The world as I see it..

"How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people -- first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy. A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving...

"I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves -- this critical basis I call the ideal of a pigsty. The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. Without the sense of kinship with men of like mind, without the occupation with the objective world, the eternally unattainable in the field of art and scientific endeavors, life would have seemed empty to me. The trite objects of human efforts -- possessions, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible.

"My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude..."

"My political ideal is democracy. Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized. It is an irony of fate that I myself have been the recipient of excessive admiration and reverence from my fellow-beings, through no fault, and no merit, of my own. The cause of this may well be the desire, unattainable for many, to understand the few ideas to which I have with my feeble powers attained through ceaseless struggle. I am quite aware that for any organization to reach its goals, one man must do the thinking and directing and generally bear the responsibility. But the led must not be coerced, they must be able to choose their leader. In my opinion, an autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates; force attracts men of low morality... The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling.

"This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of herd life, the military system, which I abhor... This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."

God bless you all!
Have a nice day...c",)