Unnecessary thoughts

Lately been bothered by the words and gestures from someone in the past. And I know Im not supposed to feel this way towards him, but i must be honest atleast to myself that i am affected when he is saying the words I LOVE YOU to me. I mean that was way too late after 17 years. He keep on saying those words even if i dont reciprocate it. What good will it do in my present life, yes it makes me shiver hearing those words from him and his caring way of always thinking how am i doing. He's wishing to take care of me and wanting to do the things he did before for me like giving me a foot massage, cooking and sometimes doing my laundry. Taking me to places where i needed to go. Accompany me wherever i want to go. Keeping me around with his circle of friends. Being strict from time to time like a big brother to me. Getting jealous when I get closed to other boys of the same peer. All those times he said he valued it. He has kept it in his heart until now and forever. He said he wished to walked with me again in the mountains with the trees. Bring me to the beach where he used to Date me. All this words he is telling to me now. Its just a feeling of nostalgia. Im just confused why he only remember the good times the most. He forgot the vital part in our relationship, the time when he abandoned me with our child in my womb. That one was the crucial part of my life. And I will never forget that painful feeling.

But the reality is right in front of me now. I love my family and my husband. My family took me away from the darkness of my life. And I will not exchanged them for anything in this world. They are my world. I am thankful to God for giving me the opportunity to have my own family. And yet  this man is getting me involved in his ideal world. Imagining that I am his property and that we belong together. Just because we have a child. He couldn't even give his name to our child. He's pathetic. He dont own me. Maybe that was before i met my husband. I am confused with why he always keeps me in his thought. Telling me that he wished to see me again, that he wanted to spend time with me and he's bringing back the memories of the past. He said he misses me so much and my personality. He misses to hear my stories in life during our younger years, listening to my dreams and aspirations. He said he misses everything about me, like my being talkative and sharing him everything in my thoughts. Honestly, I kinda missed my old self too. Now i put restrictions to myself since i got married. Im not young anymore and should take more precautions in my relationship with my partner in life.

But he is always reminding me of my old self and somehow I realized that im losing myself little by little. He made me realized my worth. But then again i know he just wanted to make it with me, he only wants to get intimate with me. I am not a fool to believed him of his feelings towards me now. It could be true or he is just playing around. I dont want to assumed that he really meant what he is saying. Even saying that he'd see me soon, that he'd find me wherever i am, that he'd take me back, he is such a crazy guy. Living in the illusion that i still love him and that i just dont want to admit it to myself?! Thats insane. I mean he is a married man for God sake and Im a committed wife its not on my league to be a mistress. I hate that kind of thought. I just pity his wife for what he is doing behind her back. Its already a form of cheating even if there's no physical contact in between us. He said that he is dreaming of those moments with me in bed. Even if its just in his thoughts. And he had dreams of me always on his sleep. Its far more a sin to love someone aside from your own spouse. The heart's that beat for someone is the scary part. Its a form of betrayal. Its my opinion and its my own principle. I am a one man woman. One can only love one person and not two or more. You can care for everyone but love to only one. And i directly told him that. He knows my love for my husband is pure and i love him so much. I just wished i could share my thoughts like this matter to my husband without him judging me or thinking in advanced of what Im feeling and trust me too.

On the other hand though i felt flattered by his admiration towards me, knowing he has these kind of feelings towards me.. such attention can keep me alive for awhile. Feeling like a teenager once more. Those kind of attention i wished for my husband to give to me. He could have been a perfect husband then. But someone else does it.. and Im not that happy to received it from someone. It may be called a midlife crisis. Maybe he is bored with his wife and wanting to fill that empty space in his heart. I totally understand how he feels, but he needs to control it for the sake of his own children and the future of his own family even his own future. Anyway, i hope this person could finally realized that were through and im not gonna see him anytime in the future. He maybe the last man i would want to see when this world ends. If Im still alive by then. This phrase that tells "Regret is always at the end." is really true and applicable in everyone's life.