Out of love?

Feeling all alone in a lonely sunset.. Thinking about the love we had a few years back. I realized that it may not be pure love that you had felt for me. Sometimes you act so cool and confident about me.. You sure know your place in my heart, but i dont know mine in yours. Its irritating to be just calm and take it for granted. Ignoring the way you treat me. A silent cry in my heart is wanting to cry out loud where no one can hear. All this pain is like a needle rushing in through my heart. Going deeply deep deep down inside me. Cursing my mind's sanity. I wonder what i had done wrong. Did i hurt you the day we left our home? Are you still mad with my decision? You know my reasons and hoping you'd understand. I know im inexperienced when it comes to family decision especially when dealing with the hardship of being a couple, partner and a parent. I felt sorry for not confiding you that matter before i decide. And thank you for respecting me still. I feel like chasing your heart ever since i met you.. But whenever im near you now i feel so pressured. Dont know why i lost that confident of loving you without any condition. You know my love is genuine.. And it beats for you only.. But the way we are now is not the same feeling we had before. Love is forever young. Only people grows old. I hope and pray that you would love me the same. Coz' im afraid to change.

Changed

Wondering why a sudden changed of mind.. That was unusual of you.. Does your heart felt somewhere else? Did it fall on the ground or flew to the sky..? Reachin' for the happiness that you didnt find in me? Or just a sign of giving up to what your holding on with me. I still cant believed why you accepted my case. Letting me go to your beloved country. Do you trust me that much? Anyway, i am thankful and glad to hear that u wont force me anymore.. Its like letting me soar high to fly up in the sky, giving me a lift to reach my goals in life. I can now continue on fulfilling my dreams for us. Thank you for ur trust. And i love you for  that. Watashi no tenchi tachi wa anata to sannin kodomo.

Moving to Penang

Night view from our veranda

Siblings

Family's favorite activity together

Mother's day celebration

Meal time @ home

It was a sudden twist in our lifetime that this opportunity came in our family. Since my hubby got his luck at work here in penang he decided to moved us here, start the life together as one " happy family " as my daughter yuri used to say. It is a once in a lifetime chance for us to live together in such comfortable way.. Everything seemed right. This can be my dream coming true.. But its not just all the good things are pouring in... We also had to make adjustment and cope with this country's culture. For me it is a tough job considering to live with 3 kids and attending all to them giving care and loving them as well.. Being a full time mom and a wife too is so much difficult to fulfill. This role in my family's life is very critical. But thanks to my partner in life, my very good supporter, my hubby for life, it made us all live easy. He is such a vibrant, very much responsible man. I love him even more. He is such a caring father to our children and a loving husband. Im thankful for this blessing in our life. I could never ask for more but only God's guidance in our life. Penang is a place where we can live peacefully in harmony. Give our children best education as well and can eat whatever we want.. Learning and putting it on the act to be a better person is my goal here.. Keeping the harmony in the family and making our life more meaningful is what i seem to really care.. Although i missed our home in philippines i still consider  doing all my responsibility to my parents by giving them a call or message everyday. My hubby also supports their living. Im really very lucky to have a perfect partner in life... That's all i can say for now. 'Till next update. Bye.

My precious gift and the life ahead..

Every morning as i wake up.. this is the scene i see when i open my eyes.. my wonderful children the blessing i got from God. I never thought i would have them thinking and considering the past. But i am blessed and i have no regret having them beside me. They are a part of me. My life is dedicated to them.. as their mother i want to surely give them the love and care they need. Raise them together with my other half. Their dad is as supportive and a good provider.. i can say we are one happy family.

Roads might get rough and our journey will be wavy but one thing is for sure... we hold on to each other. Because love is present and we care so much with each other. This i consider as God's greatest gift that is why i will treasure them most with all my life.

And now were getting ready on a journey which will change our path again. Wishing us goodluck in this journey and may we keep our family much more stronger. Another chapter will be written in our book of life.. i wish to write it in a pencil so that i can be sharpen with the trials to come and struggle to make a mark that will be solid thru time but when mistakes comes on the way we can always use the eraser to correct our mistakes and rewrite again. Life is full of second chances.. it is always that way. We live and lead our own journey but we ask God to hold and guide us when we write our life. I have my faith on my creator he will be with us till the end. I surrender my life and let Him lead the way. I follow and carry the cross on my shoulder no matter how heavy it can be. I trust in the Lord.

monskie116

Feeling Weak..

I am in a black and white mood right now.. either of it dont defines happiness nor sadness. Its a complicated feelings i guess. Its just that i feel so down and troubled by many things and the responsibility is knocking me out. Being a wife. A mother of 3 kids. And a daughter and sister to my family. This task i have to conquer were all heavy in my shoulder. My knees were bending as more responsibility were pouring. I feel like dying out anytime soon. Headaches almost all day today. Got too much task being asked of me.. but hey! Im just a human. Capable of getting tired of all this work and the task your asking me. I wish i had enough resources to give all they need. And for me to be able to feel much better.. but thats it another problem is where to get more resources. Its hard and difficult to raise a big family.. Could somebody please help me. I want to get back on my knees. If only i can still work on my own and make my own resources... maybe it will be better. I dont want to be of burden and always be blamed in the end. The place and position i have now is the toughess job maybe. Sometimes i dont know which is much better.. being alone or being with someone to share all this responsibility. We can be happy and sad sometimes. Or i can be alone and fulfilled somehow. I wish my worries will end soon and we can all move on to live a peaceful life.

That's all! Goodnight.

monskie116

Doubts on Love itself

I've been thinking and being bothered by my feelings towards my husband. I sometimes feel uneasy when i asked myself if my husband really and truly honestly love me. Maybe it is my intuition as a woman that he is somehow keeping secrets behind my back. Like infedility.. It started when i wasn't able to access his accounts on social sites, like before he is open to me and he give me his passwords for me to feel easy and find my peace maybe. But now im in doubt coz he's trying to be that secretive to me lately. He wouldn't share his passwords to me anymore. For me it is my sense of security. I would feel secure if i had knowledge about his extra activities. Its not that i dont trust him more. For me its a form of confirmation that what he said he is doing is true and as is as what he says to me. I feel like love is moving backward each day. Although i feel normal, we communicate normally, and we say i love you at each other everyday. I still feel like a tiny hole in my heart is spreading out slowly.. If only he knew how i feel right now. But nevermind, i will only be misunderstood for sure. And we would only argue about it. I think its not that much to asked and give each other access on our accounts because we are partners in real life. Im his other half and he is mine. So what is yours is mine and what is mine is yours, thats how i understand marriage. Am i on the wrong? Coz everybody i know had their access on their husband's accounts. Its just like a joint savings account in a bank.. Both must have an access.. We never know when one would end up an accident, how can another access his/her accounts when both dont have a knowledge at each other. Its sharing life for me. Im pained and im totally devastated and disappointed in this kind of privacy rule. It only applies to single and not for couples. It is my opinion and my point of view.. I guess waiting for him to be open will be a long process.. Maybe i would get an access on his accounts only when his hands cant move or body will be paralyzed because he wont have a choice but to asked me to open it for him.. Well, its just a bit of my exagerated imagination. Till here for now! My heart wants to breath..

Trust vs. Doubt

Having my random thought about our marriage and our relationship as partners in life. Mark, my husband is really a straight man. That's what i believed. I know that he wont cheat on me that easily. even if his peers would draw him into that temptation, i know that he can refuse it because of his own self dignity and fidelity. I know that he could decide for himself, he would know the cause and effect of his actions and his responsibility. Im feeling so down now when i happen to know through his blog that he had been tempted to date and gone out with a young girl thru the influence of his friend H. I feel a little scared and mad at him for a sudden period of time.. been into a lot of thinking before making conclusions of clearing things on him. so i pull myself in and think of a wise decision, I shouldn't get mad at him. I told myself to calm down.. I must be a good,kind and understanding wife to him. I want him to realized that there is no other woman like me, no one can replace me in his life. I am me, an honest and loving wife to him. He should have his own conscience towards this matter. He knows how sensitive I can be when it comes to the matter of the heart and truth. Im having my grip on it by giving him a reversed psychology, instead of nagging and getting mad and closing all ears to his reasons, i decided that its better to be open to him and listen to what he has to say and let him explain. I would never understand and can never decide without me knowing what's going on inside his head. Even if i would know the real thing and the truth i would just pretend not being hurt and give my support to him. That's how much i love him. I am more than willing to sacrifice my own pride just to let us live in peace and harmony for the sake and future of our family. If i choose to be hot tempered things wont be cleared, and the situation could only get worst then, we'll have our misunderstanding. My motto for today "Be patient, be kind and understanding for God is always watching." Although he said that he didn't do anything wrong and beyond any friendly approach or manner towards that girl. I still have this pain in my heart, for its still an act of cheating. Even when he didn't touch her, the fact that he had come into thinking of having her in his room although it didn't end that way is a reason enough for me to have a doubt. But still Im trying to understand him. Be more patient and understanding. For in the end nothing bad comes out from wrong doings and nothing comes negative from positive. He is a reasonable man. a man with a righteous mind, this is how i interpret him. for sometimes he might get tempted to cheat, i will still from the bottom of my heart can forgive him. for we are just human and we are not perfect. We can try to be perfect but still we needed a lot of discipline on ourselves to be able to become one. In the reality of life, it is nothing but struggle. Any problems that arises we face it all the time and we struggle for our life. I just have to have my faith in God in order to survive. And believed in His ultimate plan for me. God is the only one i can trust with my whole heart and with my whole being. That's all!!! I love you Lord! And please take care of me as always. Thank you po. God bless you all! Have a nice day...c",)