I have been there, so I will try and tell you my experience. I once knew the greatest heartbreak and abandonment by the man I loved and who I thought loved me. Remember that there were very powerful chemicals and hormones at play when you first fell in love with someone. I was deeply bonded and I didn’t know how I would ever get through it. That quote, you never know how strong you are until strong is all you can be, truly applied to me. Somehow I rebuilt myself a better stronger person and found happiness and love again.
This is my ““two step” advice to get through heartbreak:
First, deal with him. We need to take him off the pedestal. Somewhere along the line we idealised him and romanticised the idea of being with him. You have to stop making him who you want him to be and see him for who he is. If he walked away, then he is not the right man for you. He couldn’t stay by your side, so he does not have the character you want. So ask yourself why you loved him. All the qualities I loved about my ex, he proved himself not to have, so I loved the illusion of who I believed him to be. Now think about what YOU want in a relationship, like loyalty, strength of character, fidelity, commitment, kindness- does your ex measure up? Now you know you have to let him go- he is not who you thought he was, he is not good enough for you! You have to get closure yourself, because in your mind you still have hope. You are still trying to control the outcome. Close the door forever, accept it’s finished and there is no turning back.
Next, we have to deal with ourselves. We have felt so many emotions that we have to let go of. I carried a deep hurt and sadness in me for what could have been. Sadness for the man he could have been, hurt for the betrayal and loss of the dreams I had of our future. Anger at his recklessness with my heart, and resentment for how easily he dismissed our relationship. What I learnt was that you CAN let go of the emotions, they just emotions and you are stronger than your feelings. What I came to realise was that the beauty of that love was all within me. I was always enough. I learnt to love myself, flaws and all, and when you connect with the pure love within you, you will know to walk away from anyone that does not value and respect you. If anyone does not want you, let them go, you don’t need them, you never did! So journal out your feelings, sit with them, feel them, and let them go. I even spoke to my feelings, and would you believe it, sadness even spoke back to me! It told me I didn’t need to be sad, that he was right for me then, and is no longer right for me now. Once you let go of your emotions, you will find that you gain a clarity and understanding of the relationship. You will be at peace with the past, and you can give yourself wholeheartedly to the man who deserves you. Build a loving, caring relationship with the man who is with you. Take that road to emotional freedom and inner wisdom and life will become an interesting journey for you.
You will never forget him, but you can put him where he needs to be- in your memory and in your past. You want to get to the point where you can look back without the emotional trigger- perhaps with a smile for the love you once had that helped you become the magnificent person you are today, and you will know that your life is exactly as it should be. I have tried to find that hurt and wounded girl I once was, but I can’t find her anymore. In her place is a strong and wise woman, and I am so proud of her.
Today I still have love for that ex, but I don’t see him in the same way anymore. I see him for the emotionally shallow person he was. The years I spent with him remain special, but he is not who I needed in a life partner. He was not strong enough to give me what I needed which was an honest, loving, caring relationship. My husband has given me everything he could not- loyalty, love, commitment, marriage and a family. He makes me feel loved and treasured- what more could I want?
I will end with a quote I found on Pinterest: “ I focused so hard on what I wanted, that I lost sight of what I deserved.” and, “ a great relationship doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building love until the end”.
