The phases of love

It took a lot of courage to write this terrible event happened in my life. Even up until right now i still cant see it happened to me. Its unimaginable. My married life has been scattered. Broken into pieces. Looking back at the root caused of our problem and the situation that arises i could finally understand what is happening right now.

Im facing the most challenging event that suddenly occur in an unexpected moment. And the circumstances were facing is too much to struggle alone. Im probably asking this to myself a hundred times.. What had i done wrong? Why did it happened in our marriage? Why me and my husband? Did i mistook the man i marry? He is totally indifferent, somewhat like a total stranger towards me.. He acts like he is under a spell or anything in a wizardly craft. It is very uncommon to see him this way.. looking like a very lost sheep. The man i had admired the most is getting lost out of the right track. The most dignified and righteous with full integrity when he is dealing on the mistakes that me and our children make, i still cant believed his principles and virtues in life had twisted 180 degree. What happened to the man i love with my whole life, the man i fight for against all odds in the middle of our relationship, the man i trusted with my whole being and the man whom i thought would never ever hurt me again? Or was this the real him that I just didn't see even before i met him? When he marry me i look at him like a hero that saves me away from night life where i used to work for living.. that was what i had been praying for that my hero would come and rescue me and make me pure again. So by that time we got married everything turns sacred for me. Everything is new and i feel like i was born again the real me has come out. I leaved all my past behind and continue to walk in the right path with him. I follow him because i entrusted him my future and my womanhood. I gave him children who's been our little angels. It brings more color and meaning to our marriage. It gives us an inspiration to strive. We became family. There is nothing more joyful in having a complete whole family. For me this is the life i dreamed of. This is the real blessing in my life. Even if sometimes we argue on things, we talk things out and put on a conclusion in every problem we encounter. Because we have our love and trust for each other. And far more we have a responsibility to continue pursuing life together as a couple because our responsibility extends to our children. It isn't just us now we have our children to raised. Here goes another step another level in our married life to take responsible parenting. Im keeping track of the event in our life. Im taking notes inside my head and understand it with my heart through my conscience. Im facing and approaching this trials in our marriage through seeking wisdom of God. Our ultimate creator. Understanding His words and realizing it in reality i can somehow survived the pain that is killing me softly and taking away my own self-worth.

Now i realized why he cheated on me. I guess i also had my fault in there. But not exactly a valid reason or generally accepted as a reason for him to cheat. And just because we leaved him alone in the home that we were starting to built he would fall on to other girl. It isn't the loneliness he felt that we measure, it is the love he feels for me and the respect he should have to our family, that should be the standards and the reason he could have think at first to protect himself from this temptation. I also felt lonely but i didn't took it as a reason to cheat because I love my husband and I will be faithful to him no matter the distance. I trusted him with full confident that he wont cheat on me because that's what he had promised me before our marriage. I keep it always in my mind and carry that promised in my heart. Its not the last days of our lives anyway we still look forward of being together again after i settle my finances which is the reason why i needed to go back to my country. And to him he knows why we left and decided to go back to my country.. my motives are for him to not get to tired working so hard in raising our kids and sending them in a very expensive school. i just want to lessen the financial burden he is carrying on his shoulder. I understand that it is very difficult for him by that time because he got used to our presence when we were living together. But i must admit i feel the guilt of depriving him his rights to raised our children with all the best that he can give. I had also been stubborn in letting my compassion rule because he is working so hard for our family. I thought i was helping him, i really didn't see it coming to him in an emotional way. Im deeply sorry for my mistake and for taking his feelings for granted when we left. I never thought it would deeply give a scars in his heart. I love him so much and i just wanted to make things easy for him. I never thought he'd be this weak on temptations. I look at him with high standards and proud as a man of being righteous because he believes in moral values. That was the one character of him that i admired the most he is always right and just in his acts.. well that was before. Now He is being lost and perhaps he's still lurking in the most immoral act of infidelity, curing his loneliness and pain with a poison that will surely make him more weak and sick making him out of focus and direction on what he should really do with his life and taking responsibility for the sake of our children. Even though i had given him his chances on fixing things and go back on the right track He still continue to swim the pleasure he is feeling with his temporary happiness. Its not for the long term goal that he is facing now. And as much as i wanted to help him out it is his own will to escaped on that path and regain his dignity as a family man, as a married man. I had also been giving my best for the success of our marriage. And enduring all this pain to keep our family together.

There are certain moments that i would feel empty when i think about him, and his cheating. I cant precisely explain and described what im feeling for him but its closed to the feeling of falling out of love. The feeling of giving up at that moment, but when i think of our children the feeling holds me back in deciding. I cant sacrificed my children and be selfish just to get back my pride as a woman and as a wife. Im losing my self-respect as a woman but i gained and learned to give more love for the sake of our children and their future. Maybe you can imagined the pain im going through. Im caught in between myself and my children. But I'd rather choose my children instead of my own self gain. I cant stand the guilty feeling of depriving my kids to have a whole family.. keeping a father and a mother together in the same roof, making their dream come true to have a happy family always. I can pretend to it whole my life it is my sacrifice as a mother. For the sake of their normal growth and personality development. And I still respect my husband for he is the father of my children and had been a great father to them. I appreciate his love for our children. Im being hopeless of his love for me to come back. Even if he'd say so i dont know if i could still believe in him. I need to see his own effort. Right now Im dedicating my self only to my children.. They are my priority and Im living my life for them. I need to fight for them and give them what they deserved. Im totally and honestly feel this way.. The scars it left in my heart is deeper thru my soul. If I cant control my anger and let my temper go out to him, I dont know what i can do to him. If i dont fear God and I dont obey the rule of righteousness and human rights i dont know where else he'd go. He might loss his job, pay and support me for the damaged and would cost him more. But most of all He'd lost our family and wont be able to see the children. And probably He'd be deported out of the country because he is abiding the law and his company's rule in the employee's code of ethics. No company would hire with such record when they found out he is neglecting his own family and giving us psychological and social abuse, and he would also probably be losing his happiness because the girl would runaway because he'd be broke and bankrupt. If not for his money no one would dare to live with him as a lover knowing he is already a family man. If he'd be blind and could not see the beauty of the outside would he feel the same? If he'd be out of job and penny less would she still cling to him knowing he cant give her anything. Only his real family could accept his real situation for we are bonded by our commitment in our marriage for better or worse till death do us part. If he'd be going to live with his girl he should consider her. Is she worth it, losing our family? She's also a married woman yet she cant managed the worse within her family? Thinking and considering her children she cant even do the sacrifice as a mother? Events that happened repeat itself when not learned. Using a charm and sweet talks doesn't make you an ideal girl. It is in the mind of a person and the way she/he should think. Beautiful minds are much worth loving and admiring than physical attributes. How can you maintain physical beauty if you only focus on it and not thinking or knowing the real essence of beauty is on how you truly managed your life and the people that rely on you. How responsible you are of your own being. And how you take your responsibilities seriously. Beauty on the outside will perished when we get old same as to every man. Yet we all want to keep young looking, its normal as long as it doesn't give harm on anyone and no one gets affected by it. We cant control our aged, we will probably get our faces wrinkled and skins will sagged, our physical health depreciate. And at the end of our life line who would be there to look after you and take care of you with all their heart?

Marriage is a commitment. It is bond by love. A family is composed of a father, mother, and children. For each has a role to carry. A father is responsible to his children and their future. As a husband He has an obligation or duty to fulfill that only he can give to his wife and no other man, same as to wife to her husband and no other woman must sustain that need.. Both parents are responsible for the growth and development of their children. Parents are responsible in honing their children's skills, talents, character and personality. It is the most critical part in raising a child. For their virtues and principles in life starts within their family. Parents doesn't buried themselves to the graved it is the duty of their children to carry them on their graves as the sign of respect and gratitude. Finally, a family that stays together and love each other will stay forever together. No one can break it apart. Commitment, respect, love and care for one another are the important keys to keep the family.



God bless you all!
Have a nice day...c",)