My life

Its late at nyt but it seems like my brains wouldnt want to rest thinking.. My minds thoughts of so many things that i could hardly jot down in this journal. I would always want to do writing and i love doing this stuff, although sometimes i would feel lazy and i just want my mind to keep its thought.. But somehow i realized that i had to write it down, coz no one knows when i can still remember the things that i am thinking right now and my ideas would still be the same in the future..
Well, its quite unrelated on what i had written in my first paragraph the truth is i want to speak whats on my mind. This journal will be my stress releasing time. Just like right now, i been married for 2yrs and 5 mos now. Yet i still feel like our marriages was just 2mos old. Im still on the verge of adjustments, my vision, physically, mentally and emotionally. The truth is i dont know if im being a good wife to my husband and responsible mother with my 2 kids. Somestimes its really challenging my ability to decide on things and wanting to do my best but ending still in misery.
What can a woman like me do better to make her children grow to be a better person, im only relying on my own knowledge and what im feeling is the right thing to do. I really wish my hubby to be by my side during this times letting us both take responsibility in raising our children well. Its really a tough job for me, but im optimistic that my children wont give us a shame in the future. I pray for them to be good citizen. Practiced humanitarian and find their life in stable status. Im putting my faith and trust to them. And may God blessed my children.
As for my husband, im just feeling a little lonely right now coz he's not beside me. He needs to leave us for work back in his country. At first i could manage his absence but as time passes by and it took him more than what we had agreed upon on his working days. I would feel disappointed and wanting to give-up and bring back the time. Im happy beside him i feel i am the closest being he could ever had. But things turn out to be different as time passes by, i feel so lonely that my heart is getting cold and i could hardly feel the warm of it whenever i see his face on screen when we chat. Yeah i missed him though but its different when i could hold him and feel his heart beating. Unlike when hes beside me we could always talk in open heart and mind all the thought thats bothering us and even nonsense topic will occur. Those were the moments when i feel so happy that we would be able to share ideas, just in that way i feel so lucky to have him hearing his voice, teaching me things i didnt know yet and listening to his advised when things get rough in our family member. I missed those scenes in my life..oh how i wish i could have him come back home to me this instant.
I admired him and appreciate all his effort to raise our family alone. Thats how tough he is and can be for the sake of our family. Thats immeasurable on his part. And so i wished im being the wife he was expecting too. I dont want to give him any burden made by me. As much as i want to and will do help him make it easier and lighter to live with us, i will do my very best. Even if at times when it make our days in trouble i will positively do it right and make things better. Causing so much trouble on him is the last thing i could do. Well, maybe that would depend on the situation by that time. But i promised to protect this family were building together. He is my partner in life thats why we both need to struggle in this journey of life.