I write this blog just to release the pressure im feeling right now..to my readers i hope you wont think anything against this. my life story is already an open book so i didn’t hesitate to write down what I'm feeling right now.
I'm in the middle of complicated reaction towards my husbands past. Today Marilyn and I got this exchange conversation through email. And by that mails i was really bothered and got so affected.. i confirm it with Mark but upon explaining to me the answers to my questions he began to be mad at me.. Yes I'm really jealous of her because i know definitely what happened in their past.. although Mark assure me that he wont come back to her. And wont contact her again..I couldn’t find if that's the truth. I know that i should trust him in order for our marriage to work. Maybe i misunderstood him..sometimes i think if our marriage was the right decision we made.. if i would really consider it as a security with what we really feel for each other. Or i am just misunderstanding something about his real feelings for me. Did he really forget her totally..? this questions really bother me. I don't know if i am committing the same mistake again. Its just that my heart is so hurt.. Everytime i see or known to me that Marilyn is in contact with him i would feel insecure. Its like I'm afraid she’s going to take Mark away from me.. well, maybe i really don't feel like a wife to him.. still i don't have that much access in his life like were one with each other.. He still have resentment i can feel that. He cant deny it cause i feel like he doesn’t totally treat me as a real wife in some things and some manners. I feel a bit strange about this marriage and our relationship.. I'm afraid it wont work out the way i want it to be.. Maybe because he is holding back to something, with somebody. Thats what my intuition tells me. I hope we can make our marriage successful till the end of our life. I wish to spend more time together and talk things out together without letting our throats out. Should i really feel relax and not to worry about Marilyn anymore? Should i really believe my husband’s words and promises? Should i take his explanation? Well, he cant blame me why I'm being so affected by this matter.. I'm very sensitive when it comes to his past girlfriends. I admit I'm a very jealous kind of woman. And I feel sorry if I could make complains on him during his work.. i know it was not a good manner but i cant control my emotion bursting from inside.. like im going to erupt. That if i didn’t tell him it would just make me feel ill and sick. Now my heart is trembling and painful because I'm mad..and i cant help it, the pain keeps on going on and on. As if I feel like I'm going to die soon. I must learn to control my emotion especially when I'm mad. And i don't want Mark to worry much about my health as possible as i can , i don't want to bother him of my health status..tonight i went to church to pray, asking for strength and clear my mind in God’s grace. I want to over come my fear and my painful heart to stay strong. I must be strong.. this moment of trials in our relationship is just like a typhoon that's trying to ruin us. i need to grip my hands in order to stay and believe in this marriage. Really now i realized that its really difficult to hold a relationship like marriage.. its like I'm a canoe in a wavy sea..afraid to turn down and drown..into the deepest of the sea, and there’s nothing but darkness. I don't want that to happen, i still want to protect our marriage for the sake of our children. I don't want to give them a broken family and break their hopes. I want to fulfill their dreams of a one happy family..loving parents that will always be there for them. that can support and guide them.. I wish Mark’s hope is the same. my decision of caring for them will always be the same no matter what happen. I will give my whole life for my children and my husband. I dedicate my life to them. they are my life, as long as they are there asking for my love and care i will continue to live and fight for them and for my life. I love them so much...
Can anyone give me some piece of advise? Nihonggo demo ii desu.. がんばる です。。 皆さん ゆるしくね！ ありがとうごさいます。。
I'm in the middle of complicated reaction towards my husbands past. Today Marilyn and I got this exchange conversation through email. And by that mails i was really bothered and got so affected.. i confirm it with Mark but upon explaining to me the answers to my questions he began to be mad at me.. Yes I'm really jealous of her because i know definitely what happened in their past.. although Mark assure me that he wont come back to her. And wont contact her again..I couldn’t find if that's the truth. I know that i should trust him in order for our marriage to work. Maybe i misunderstood him..sometimes i think if our marriage was the right decision we made.. if i would really consider it as a security with what we really feel for each other. Or i am just misunderstanding something about his real feelings for me. Did he really forget her totally..? this questions really bother me. I don't know if i am committing the same mistake again. Its just that my heart is so hurt.. Everytime i see or known to me that Marilyn is in contact with him i would feel insecure. Its like I'm afraid she’s going to take Mark away from me.. well, maybe i really don't feel like a wife to him.. still i don't have that much access in his life like were one with each other.. He still have resentment i can feel that. He cant deny it cause i feel like he doesn’t totally treat me as a real wife in some things and some manners. I feel a bit strange about this marriage and our relationship.. I'm afraid it wont work out the way i want it to be.. Maybe because he is holding back to something, with somebody. Thats what my intuition tells me. I hope we can make our marriage successful till the end of our life. I wish to spend more time together and talk things out together without letting our throats out. Should i really feel relax and not to worry about Marilyn anymore? Should i really believe my husband’s words and promises? Should i take his explanation? Well, he cant blame me why I'm being so affected by this matter.. I'm very sensitive when it comes to his past girlfriends. I admit I'm a very jealous kind of woman. And I feel sorry if I could make complains on him during his work.. i know it was not a good manner but i cant control my emotion bursting from inside.. like im going to erupt. That if i didn’t tell him it would just make me feel ill and sick. Now my heart is trembling and painful because I'm mad..and i cant help it, the pain keeps on going on and on. As if I feel like I'm going to die soon. I must learn to control my emotion especially when I'm mad. And i don't want Mark to worry much about my health as possible as i can , i don't want to bother him of my health status..tonight i went to church to pray, asking for strength and clear my mind in God’s grace. I want to over come my fear and my painful heart to stay strong. I must be strong.. this moment of trials in our relationship is just like a typhoon that's trying to ruin us. i need to grip my hands in order to stay and believe in this marriage. Really now i realized that its really difficult to hold a relationship like marriage.. its like I'm a canoe in a wavy sea..afraid to turn down and drown..into the deepest of the sea, and there’s nothing but darkness. I don't want that to happen, i still want to protect our marriage for the sake of our children. I don't want to give them a broken family and break their hopes. I want to fulfill their dreams of a one happy family..loving parents that will always be there for them. that can support and guide them.. I wish Mark’s hope is the same. my decision of caring for them will always be the same no matter what happen. I will give my whole life for my children and my husband. I dedicate my life to them. they are my life, as long as they are there asking for my love and care i will continue to live and fight for them and for my life. I love them so much...
Can anyone give me some piece of advise? Nihonggo demo ii desu.. がんばる です。。 皆さん ゆるしくね！ ありがとうごさいます。。
God bless you all!
Have a nice day...c",)
hi. i understand your feelings while i'm reading your story. I kinda had same feeling with my gf. She always started talking about her X-bf even after I told her I didn't want to hear that story. She always says she does not have any feelings for her Xs but I think it is lie or wrong. I know she had a baby with her 1st bf and she cannot forget him even though she does not live with her daughter. I mean how can she forget or have no feeling for Xs? She started telling me about him yesterday too while i'm holding her on the bed. I was just patient and listening to her. I guess she wants me to understand her.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, try to understand him. If you love him, love his past as well because you might not love him or he did not love you if he went through different path. i always tell my gf we cannot go back to the past so let's focus on the future.
I'm sorry for my long comment.
@ mas o menos rodriguez
ReplyDeletethank you for the enlightment..i thought of it too yet its still difficult because men are weaken by temptation especial if it comes from the woman they love before. maybe not all men but most of them are.. i still love my husband and he will forever remain in my heart its just that i want him to understand me too. i also have my past and had a daughter from him now is living with me..but everytime my ex contact me i always ignore him or if not tell my husband what my ex wants and we share my decision. i dont lie to him i always open my heart and tell in all honesty what is on my mind always.. because we are bind by marriage and should act as one.thank you for your helpful comment..God bless you.
my case i am not stick with x-gf but i feel some kind of responsibility for her. After many years we broke up, i heard she got married then I felt so relieved. i don't know where it comes from but i feel that way even though i don't have much experience. i have read your hubby's blog too and I'm sure he loves you so much. don't worry. He is doing his best for you and children but he is doing the way you don't expect.
ReplyDelete@ mas o menos rodriguez
ReplyDeletethanks for your encouragement..i really appreciate it. well, maybe your right he do love me. i always believed that i have a place in his heart too. maybe i was just jealous and lose my trust in our relationship. but were okay now, it maybe just another trial in our relationship..